I know, madness, right?? Who would choose this life? A crazy person, you'd say! And you'd be right.
I'm here to tell you, however, that it's all worth it. The long drive is always worth it because at the end of it I get to present my parking pass to some really cool technology and a robot waves at me.
This is what the robot looks like. He only has one arm but he's pretty positive about life.
You can imagine my shock and horror when one day I whip out my trusty parking pass but the light turns red and the robot remains motionless. What could I have done to offend my friend? I felt sad, confused, and a little betrayed. But I was determined to get to the bottom of this tragedy!
So I go to the main office building. I know there's a parking pass office there somewhere and I will stop at nothing to fix mine. Replace it, even! I will get a new parking pass if it means Arm Robot goes back to being my friend.
I walk in the building and immediately realize I'm in over my head. This building is gigantic and confusing.
It's like this! Only I don't have a Joseph Gordon-Levitt by my side.
Luckily I notice a wise-looking information wizard sitting at a desk, silently watching me. I walk up to him and perform the traditional info request ritual, which begins with the magic words.
"Hello. I'm looking for the parking office. Can you tell me where it is?"
The spell works! He responds all-knowingly.
"Yeah it's down one floor. Just get on the elevator and the doors will open up right in front of the parking office window."
A-ha! The elevator! 'Tis a mythical beast I have conquered many times before. I confidently make my way to the elevator feeding ground.
I summon the vator by pushing the down button. The elevator arrives and its doors open, I get on. Down one floor. Easy enough.
But wait! What floor am I on? I don't know! I look at the elevator display: M. M?? What does that mean? Main? What is one below main? -1? There is not a -1 button.
Suddenly the doors close and the elevator starts moving...up. It's going up! I didn't push the destination button fast enough.
The elevator goes up 3 floors. A female traveler gets in and pushes the button for the top floor.
I realize I look pretty clueless being in an elevator without my own destination button pushed. This girl might think I'm just riding around all willy-nilly without a quest. Like a psycho! But it's already going up, I have to look like that's what I wanted.
I choose a dummy destination to fool the girl: 3 more floors up.
We go one floor up, a male traveler gets in. He sees that his destination has already been chosen.
Two floors up, my dummy destination. I get out.
So does the guy!
I obviously can't get back on the elevator. I act like I'm supposed to be here, head for a hallway.
The guy rounds a corner. I'm out of sight, safe to return to the elevators unseen.
I push the down button again, doors open, I get on. Suddenly I can't remember what floor I wanted in the first place.
I panic! If I don't push the button fast enough, this madness will happen all over again! Heart racing, I push the button for the floor I started on.
I get out of the elevator and come face to face with the wizard who gave me directions.
Only now do I remember I'm supposed to be going down.
I evaluate. Enough time has probably passed for him to think I have already gotten my parking pass.
Stuck! I'm stuck! I can do nothing without looking like an idiot! I cannot disappoint the wizard, and I cannot return to Arm Robot without results. I have to improvise a plan.
I start heading for the exit, then I make a show of pretending like I forgot something. I turn back around and...no, avoid the elevator...take the stairs.
The stairs prove successful. I'm in the basement at last.
The basement is dark, quiet. An ominous glow comes from what were once light bulbs in what was once a ceiling. I recall tales of a mysterious and dangerous basement beast. Shuddering, I shove the thought out of my mind.
My original directions didn't account for stairs. I hear the wizard's voice echo in my mind, "The elevator doors will open up right in front of the parking office window." I figure if I can find the elevators, I'll find the parking office.
He was the Oz kind of wizard. Surprised, aren't you? You were totally picturing Gandalf, weren't you? Maybe Dumbledore? I thought so.
A faint *ding* finds its way into my ear from the hallway on my left. An elevator mating call! I practically gallop down the hall. They're there! (<-- take just a moment to examine that sentence.)
And the parking office! It's there as well! I breathe an end-of-quest sigh and approach the window.
But I breathed too soon. Sitting at the window is a young man, completely unaware of my existence. I completely forgot about the curse of invisibility in the basement. I know there are more magic words to break the curse, but I can't remember what they are.
I frantically search my brain for the lost spell of visibility. Meanwhile, parking office guy sits hunched forward, squinting at a glowing screen and sucking on a lollipop. He's obviously been sentenced to work here by the evil overlords of office management.
I try a spell.
"Excuse me. Hi."
It works! He can see me! I ask him for a parking pass and he prints one out lickity-split. I can tell he's done it before. Probably many times before. Perhaps thousands. Maybe millions. There's actually no way of knowing how old these basement-dwellers are. Maybe he's been here long enough to have made hand-written horse parking passes. I will never know. He hands over the coveted scrap.
With pass in hand, I ascend the stairs and break free from the darkness. I stride happily passed the wizard's desk, holding my pass triumphantly in the air. He smiles, and I can tell by the way it stretches his face that he doesn't smile often.
I think of Arm Robot and break into a run. I approach him slowly.
Carefully cradling the pass in the palm of my hands, I offer it up to techno scan as a sacrifice. The light turns green and I turn to face Arm Robot, a grin is beginning to slide across my face in anticipation.
My old friend welcomes me with open arm. All is well.
Have a great day, human. Thanks for reading my weird blog. Here's an adorable picture of me at 2 years old, for no reason at all. (Let's be honest, the real reason is that I want to rub my cuteness in your face.)
