Halloween 2014 (A True Story)

The Matchmaker from Mulan. A Luchador. And La Roux.

The Matchmaker was white, the luchador was a short girl, and La Roux was a straight man.

But anything goes on Halloween.

Halloween is my FAVORITE.

The night began at a party they had helped plan themselves.

People were there, food was good, music was bumpin'...

But they needed more.

Sometimes a person needs to run around, jump off of things, kick walls, and yell as loud as possible. There were three of these people at the party.

La Roux and Luchador found each other first. Dancing maniacally quenched the rage for a short time, but soon it was not enough.

La Roux mentioned trick-or-treating. Without a second thought, they were sprinting around the neighborhood collecting candy and doing cartwheels. Oh, to be a kid again!

Four houses was enough. Candy, pencils, glow sticks, and the rush of nighttime Autumn air was all they needed.

Amped, they returned to the party and stashed their treasures.

There, they discovered Matchmaker, who was also itching for adventure. There was a whole Halloween world out there, and this unlikely band of costumed crazies needed to discover it!

They decided to run around doing anything and everything they could.

Bolting around Provo, La Roux cat-called and body-rolled for anyone we saw. Luchador leaped and screamed. Matchmaker karate-kicked every passing object.

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS NUTS.

(Also, switching from "they" to "we" because this is getting hard.)

The first promising thing we we came across was a church building. The building thumped and laser lights shot out of the second-story windows. There was obviously a party happening. And it was about to get crashed. We busted down the doors and confidently entered. The first level was full of those partiers that value well-lit areas, conversation, and food over dancing. They mulled about, talking to each other. We immediately passed through them and headed for the madness, but not before we noticed something. 

Every person in the building was Asian.

We shrugged it off and entered the dance anyway. Everyone there was Asian, too, but it didn't matter! It was dark and we were dancing our butts off. Plus what's the point of crashing a party unless you obviously don't belong there?

Suddenly, the music stopped and the lights came on. We briefly panicked. We were impostors! But we played it cool by keeping our heads down. Somebody at the front of the room started talking. He announced a costume contest. We had not been discovered. 

BUT WAIT. A...costume contest, you say? At an Asian party? How terribly, horrifically perfect. Luchador and La Roux turned to look at Matchmaker, sly grins on our faces. Matchmaker wasn't about to enter the contest. So, thinking quickly, Luchador offered to join with her. We headed for the front.

But alas, this story contains betrayal! Luchador turned around at the last second, letting Matchmaker unknowingly join the contest alone!

The announcer went down the line one-by-one, presenting each contestant to the crowd. We quickly learned that he knew each of them by name.

"Here we have so-and-so, as Katniss Everdeen!" *cheers* "Next up is so-and-so, as Queen Elsa!" *cheers*

Then he got to Matchmaker. He said nothing, just unceremoniously pointed at her. La Roux and Luchador went nuts. Everyone else politely clapped.

The winner was announced and they turned the lights back off. We found each other and left the building faster than The Flash can tie his shoes.

Once outside, we busted up. Our white friend had just joined an Asian party costume contest, dressed as an Asian. YOU CAN'T WRITE THIS STUFF.

We had just gotten a taste of party crashing. So we headed to the infamous Village, where annoying, rich people live and throw big parties. But it was a straight-up GHOST TOWN. I'm pretty sure an actual tumbleweed rolled through the empty courtyard. Odd, to be sure, but something even more odd was approaching from the North.

Nearing us was a large group of people dressed normally except for their masks. They were all wearing either Unicorn masks or Panda masks. Without really thinking, we joined their ranks. Were they a terrifying cult? Maybe. But we followed them anyway.

They approached a house party. It became clear that this cult was not invited to the house party any more than we were. We all entered together, parting the guests like the Red Sea. Then we danced our butts off for about 60 seconds, while everyone watched. Unicorn, Panda, Luchador, Matchmaker, La Roux, it didn't matter. Together, we were the Unicorn Crasher Cult.

Without a word, we left the house, leaving the guests confused and probably annoyed. One of the Unicorns took off her mask. A long-lost friend of Matchmaker and Luchador! We hadn't seen her in ages, and we didn't know she'd joined a party-crashing Unicorn/Panda cult. Twas truly a Halloween miracle.

We separated ourselves from the cult. Party crashing was something we could get behind, but we weren't sure what the other cult beliefs were. We made our way back home, parkouring through The Village.

As we cartwheeled passed a large window, we glanced inside and noticed a rich girl and a rich guy sitting on the couch watching a scary movie. Guy had is arm around Girl, and was obviously paying more attention to her than the movie. Girl stared blankly at the screen. Both seemed a little nervous. They didn't see us staring at them through the window.

(Let me...justify this. Yes, we were watching people through their window. And yes, that is creepy. But hang on a second. This was OK for the following four reasons. 1) Anything creepy is legal on Halloween. 2) The blinds were not shut. So if they really wanted privacy they could've had it. 3) The window was by the sidewalk, so we technically we weren't trespassing. 4) Because of the public window placement, we didn't seek this out. The opportunity presented itself.)

Then, AS WE WATCHED, Guy made his move. He leaned in to kiss Girl. Right as they were about to make contact, La Roux banged on the window.

We ran away, just a few yards, until we knew they couldn't see us. We thought we were safe. But Guy was much angrier than we expected. He shouted terrible, horrifying threats and started climbing out the window!!

We booked it, not stopping to breathe or look behind us until we were safely at home.

I woke up the next morning, still in costume, with candy wrappers on my bed and glow sticks in my hair.

The only photo evidence of the night.

I know you don't care about any of this. But it's important to me, Riley, and Kevin so whatever. WOOPS I mean Luchador, Matchmaker, and La Roux.

Luchador and La Roux dated shortly after this, so the Matchmaker did her job I guess.

Fight, Flight, or Freeze?

Science says there are three reactions a person has when put under a sudden, immediate amount of stress, such as a surprise attack or jump scare. They are FIGHT, FLIGHT, and FREEZE. It's more of a reflex than a decision. Certain people react differently in different situations.

This guy, for example, is a FIGHT:

The badger is a FLIGHT:

I have tried for 56 minutes to find a video example of FREEZE, but such a video does not exist (unless it's goats which doesn't count). I promise FREEZE is a normal reaction. I have seen it.

There is also another reaction I like to call the "Riley" because my friend Riley is the only person I've seen do this. This is when you react by putting your hands over your ears.

This is not Riley but you get the idea.

For a long time I wondered how I would react in a seriously dangerous, startling situation. Then I had a couple of experiences where I learned exactly what I am. 

I am a FLIGHT. There are pros and cons to this, as illustrated in the examples below.

EXAMPLE 1 (CON)

October 2011. I was in my Sophomore year of college. Our apartment was festively decorated for the upcoming Halloween celebrations. We had some bats hanging from the ceiling, some webs on the door, and one terrifying decoration that I specifically remember. It was a scary mask-face that would shout randomized things when you pushed on it's tongue. Things like "Boo!" and "HEY! What're you doing?!" and "Gotcha!"

Halloween was getting close and we were feeling unprepared. We felt like we needed a good scare. And where's the best place to get scared? The cemetery, of course! So one night Camille, Molly and I decided to visit the cemetery and have a spooky good time.

When we got there, however, the cemetery was closed. The sign, at least, said "Closed" but on this particular night, the gate was still open. So maybe it was technically trespassing, but we went inside anyway.

We stood near the entrance, feeling a little spooked and wondering what exactly we were planning on doing.

SUDDENLY, out of NOWHERE, a man shouts, "HEY! What're you doing?!"

I took off. Fast. I didn't decide to, but next thing I know I'm half way across the cemetery looking back at Camille and Molly laughing their heads off. Molly had hidden Scary Face in her jacket and set it off at exactly the right moment. And it just happened to say "HEY! What're you doing?!" like a cop catching trespassers in a closed cemetery.

FLIGHT may seem like the best option at times, but not if it might involve the police - who will tase you.

This is Camille pushing me (holding Scary Face) in a lonely shopping cart we found outside the cemetery.

Example B (PRO)

March 2012. Ah, Spring...a time for budding flowers, budding romances, and construction. I was lucky enough to be experiencing 2 of those 3 things. (You have until the end of this post to guess which one I wasn't.)

There was an old house just down the street from our apartment that was being torn down to make room for a fancy new apartment building. It was a slow process, and at one point there were a few days where nothing happened. During this time, we noticed that they had knocked a big hole in the wall, where there was just enough space for a person to squeeze into the basement.

It looked nothing like this.

The house was obviously haunted, and Camille and I decided we wanted to explore it. One quiet and windless night, we convinced Julia and Molly to come with us. When we got to the house, however, we could not convince them to come inside because they were smart and we were dummies. So they waited outside on the sidewalk while Camille and I slid into the basement.

It was cold, dark, and very empty. There were a couple stray leaves on the otherwise bare carpet. Here is my drawing of the layout, which I made in Paint and is very important:

We slowly looked around the first bedroom, arms tucked up under our chins because of fear. We searched the closet. Empty. We entered and explored the second bedroom, searching the closet. Empty. We searched the hallway. Empty.

The place was a bust. We started to leave. I went out and up the stairs, where I was confronted by a decision. One escape route was mostly blocked by piles of rubble. The other was clear except for a line of caution tape, which came up to my ribs, approximately. Naturally, I wondered if I could jump over the caution tape. I sized myself up and lifted my leg, testing the height and distance. I quickly decided it was much too high to jump over.

While I was doing this, Camille stood at the bottom of the stairs, taking one last look at the empty basement.

SUDDENLY, THE DOOR SLAMMED SHUT. Without thinking, I leaped right over that caution tape and ran faster than I ever have. As I rounded the corner of the house, I saw Molly and Julia and realized that they couldn't have slammed the door, which caused a second jolt of adrenaline.

"RUN!" I yelled. By the time they heard me, I was already passed them.

This is about the time I thought to look behind me, where I saw Camille running several yards back. She froze when the door slammed. I know this because Camille has long legs and runs marathons and I am built like a funsize Hershey bar...

...which is also my diet.

I was almost two blocks away before I thought to slow down (Camille had passed me at that point). We were all safe.

We played a joke on our other roommate, Claire, when we returned home. Camille waited outside and we told Claire the whole story, pretending we'd just left Camille behind. She was super concerned and worried that we didn't seem concerned. We had to end the joke when she went in the kitchen looking for weapons.

Anyway, this is when I learned to appreciate being a FLIGHT because it could have been a psycho hobo, runaway murderer, or vengeful ghost. I could have been chewed, stabbed, or ghosted to death. But I wasn't because I ran.

Later, I was walking passed the construction site and noticed a baby daffodil struggling to grow. I knew it would be killed by bulldozers and tractors if I didn't do something. So I went out with a spoon and dug it up and saved it. This is a picture of us.

I hope you all get spooked this October, just for fun. And it could be useful to know how you might react in a dangerous situation!