College Survival Guide

This is me, degree in hand and obvious college expert:

Here are things I learned about college that may or may not help you.

1. It's allllll about sleep.

It's a constant battle with yourself. Like this:

I already did college (hold your applause), so I know exactly how it is. 60% of your conversations with other students will be about sleep. And we get competitive with it.

"I was up until 2 writing a paper."
"I was up until 3 writing that same paper, because I'm more dedicated to procrastination than you'll ever be!"
"I was up until 5 watching Netflix and forgetting about that paper....wait? Is that due today??"

And there's always that guy who's like, "I was up all night writing the paper!"

ALL NIGHT?? For the love of lemon drops, get this man a medal! Give him french toast! Bring in the cameras! Call the president! Live tweet his every move! (Follow me @amylouhilton)

Is french toast not the best?

To be honest, I've pulled my fair share of all-nighters (thank you, thank you), and I've learned that there are 7 stages. Hopefully being aware of them can prepare you for the future. (These are very universal and every person experiences this in exactly the same way. This is definitely not just me.)

Stage 1: Watch 21,358 episodes of a mediocre TV show, because hey! You've got allll night!
Stage 2: Stuff handfuls of dry cereal in your face and listen to sad music.
Stage 3: Be feverishly productive for 7.38 seconds.
Stage 4: Clean and disinfect the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the front door, the dog, and everyone's windshields (that'll be 5 dollars).
Stage 5: I don't actually know what stage 5 is because I've never been able to remember it the next day...
Stage 6: Shed a single tear while watching the sunrise and wonder if you will ever truly understand the concept of infinity.
Stage 7: Puke every word you know onto the page and, without a second glance (because you've obviously just written pure academic gold), hit print.

Then you run to campus and bust open the doors of your class like "Behold, unworthy classmates, you are filth, for I have done it! I have been awake all night long!

"Get me a medal! Give me french toast! Bring in the cameras! Call the president! Live tweet my every move! I have learned everything I will ever need to know! I have beat the college, and everything from now until graduation is beneath me!"

And you turn in your paper and you get a B! Hallelujah! You should celebrate! Celebrate with one of those naps that feels like 7 years.


2. You can fail a class.

College is hard.

You'll be ok. Your degree will still be valid.

Just don't fail every class.


3. Working too hard is just as bad as not working hard enough.

Balance is everything. School is important but it's not the most important all the time.


4. You should know how to walk and eat at the same time.

I'd love to say that I learned this by being busy and hardworking blah blah blah, but truth be told, I learned the skill by being a bum who sometimes forgets about food.

Don't get me wrong, I love food as much as the next Liz Lemon wannabe, but sometimes I just forget, ok? Like once I was taking a shower (once again, hold applause). I normally have deep philosophical thoughts in the shower, but this time I was whistling the Great Escape song and thinking literally nothing. Which is supposedly impossible for women, so hand over that trophy!

I slipped and fell and hurt my knee and my life flashed before my eyes (it was mostly naps), but I pulled myself up and continued cleaning myself. Then I started giggling. And let me tell you, I do not normally giggle. I'm a snorting belly laugh kind of person. But I was giggling and whistling and shampooing when I realized I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten in a very long time.

I was already going to be late for class. I didn't have time to sit down and eat my leftover Mac and Cheese at the table.

So I grabbed the tupperware, a fork, and an orange and headed for campus. Before I got to class I had successfully eaten the Mac and Cheese, peeled and eaten the orange, and texted my mother without ever looking at my hands or missing a step.

And I made it to class on time.

Walking and eating is not as easy as it looks.

I've also learned to eat a Frosty while driving. But that's next level stuff.

Liz Lemon is my spirit animal.

5. Pick the major you actually want.

Then work hard enough to make it worth it.


6. Take occasional risks.

I'm not exactly a risk-taker, especially when it comes to my social life. You don't have to change who you are. But the best people I know I only really met because I put myself out there. 30 seconds of insane courage to type a text or introduce yourself to somebody could change your life.


And last, but certainly not least...

7. Eat a lot of tacos.

Trust me on this one.

You definitely won't regret it.

Honestly, everything is different for every person. All I can really say is be yourself and good luck!

A Midnight Montage of Musical Madness

For the first time ever, I decided to take classes during Spring and Summer.  Turns out that during spring term (since classes are accelerated) they don't give you that two-week-long "get your brains in gear" grace period.  They load you up starting day one.

First day of class.

So it was for this reason I found myself pulling an all-nighter within the first week of school.

If you know me at all, you know that I have a super hard time focusing for long periods of time (if at all) and I get distracted very easily.  You would also know that I procrastinate as much as possible.  You would probably also know that I love TV.  I get hooked on television shows like those people who get addicted to stinging themselves with bees.  Wait.  That was just one lady I saw on an advertisement for a TV show called "My Strange Addiction" which I will never watch.  Anyway, I had recently become infatuated with "Community" and I spent all the time I should have used for homework watching 1200 episodes of it in three days.

Community

As I finished the billionth episode and looked at the clock, I realized it was 4 o'clock in the morning and my project was due in six hours.  I tried working on it, but all that happened were several failed attempts where I ended up in the kitchen questioning my existence. 

I swear on my love for lemon bars that I tried.  I tried so hard to make myself work, but my brain did not want to concentrate.  I know this is something that not everyone will understand...but I was not physically capable of concentrating that night.

I was beyond frustrated with myself, and I didn't want this semester to be a repeat of the last one (where I miraculously squeaked out acceptable grades after slacking off for too long).  I locked myself in the bathroom.  I don't know why I did this, probably for privacy, even though everyone else was asleep.  I sat in the bathroom and cried.  Crying is not something I do very often, but I'm human, too, dangit!  I cried for a long time and then I prayed a little as well.

I made sure to compose myself before coming out of the bathroom.

"THIS IS IT," I thought, and I sat down at my computer.  I clicked "play" on one of my gigantic playlists and let Spotify pick a song at random.

Except it probably wasn't random.

The song that played was "Be Still" by The Killers.  Talk about an inspiring song.  Geez, my life could be a Romantic Comedy infused with dramatic themes but minus the romance. (Dramedy.  I think I mean Dramedy.)  I sang along with some of the lyrics at the top of my whisper-voice,

"DON'T BREAK CHARACTER
YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF HEART!

RISE UP LIKE THE SUN
LABOR TILL THE WORK IS DONE!"

And then I did my project.  All of it.  Thank you, Brandon Flowers.

I went to class and turned it in.  Then, because I had slept for 90 minutes and hadn't showered, I decided to go straight home.  In my rush to avoid further human interaction, I prematurely crossed the street, stopped traffic, and got hit by a bike.  The guy on the bike was some sort of super polite Irish hipster.  (I tried to find a picture, but apparently this particular culture of people are too cool for the internet.)  We were both fine.

When I got home it was past noon.  I ate one pudding cup and called it breakfast.  Then I had another pudding and called it lunch.  Then I had a handful of Raisin Bran and called it justification.

Next thing I know there are two or three maintenance guys in my apartment, and I was trapped in my bedroom with a bit of mud-masky goop on my face and...no pants.  I was just hoping nothing in my room needed to be fixed.  I pretended to be asleep a few times when I thought they might be coming in, but I was ready for anything.  I didn't notice until much later, but I was essentially the mom character that you see in the grocery stores on TV shows:

What am I turning into??

Nothing happened, and they eventually left.  I seized this opportunity to take a nap.

I was so tired I could have slept for days, but I watched another episode of Community first.