College Survival Guide

This is me, degree in hand and obvious college expert:

Here are things I learned about college that may or may not help you.

1. It's allllll about sleep.

It's a constant battle with yourself. Like this:

I already did college (hold your applause), so I know exactly how it is. 60% of your conversations with other students will be about sleep. And we get competitive with it.

"I was up until 2 writing a paper."
"I was up until 3 writing that same paper, because I'm more dedicated to procrastination than you'll ever be!"
"I was up until 5 watching Netflix and forgetting about that paper....wait? Is that due today??"

And there's always that guy who's like, "I was up all night writing the paper!"

ALL NIGHT?? For the love of lemon drops, get this man a medal! Give him french toast! Bring in the cameras! Call the president! Live tweet his every move! (Follow me @amylouhilton)

Is french toast not the best?

To be honest, I've pulled my fair share of all-nighters (thank you, thank you), and I've learned that there are 7 stages. Hopefully being aware of them can prepare you for the future. (These are very universal and every person experiences this in exactly the same way. This is definitely not just me.)

Stage 1: Watch 21,358 episodes of a mediocre TV show, because hey! You've got allll night!
Stage 2: Stuff handfuls of dry cereal in your face and listen to sad music.
Stage 3: Be feverishly productive for 7.38 seconds.
Stage 4: Clean and disinfect the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the front door, the dog, and everyone's windshields (that'll be 5 dollars).
Stage 5: I don't actually know what stage 5 is because I've never been able to remember it the next day...
Stage 6: Shed a single tear while watching the sunrise and wonder if you will ever truly understand the concept of infinity.
Stage 7: Puke every word you know onto the page and, without a second glance (because you've obviously just written pure academic gold), hit print.

Then you run to campus and bust open the doors of your class like "Behold, unworthy classmates, you are filth, for I have done it! I have been awake all night long!

"Get me a medal! Give me french toast! Bring in the cameras! Call the president! Live tweet my every move! I have learned everything I will ever need to know! I have beat the college, and everything from now until graduation is beneath me!"

And you turn in your paper and you get a B! Hallelujah! You should celebrate! Celebrate with one of those naps that feels like 7 years.


2. You can fail a class.

College is hard.

You'll be ok. Your degree will still be valid.

Just don't fail every class.


3. Working too hard is just as bad as not working hard enough.

Balance is everything. School is important but it's not the most important all the time.


4. You should know how to walk and eat at the same time.

I'd love to say that I learned this by being busy and hardworking blah blah blah, but truth be told, I learned the skill by being a bum who sometimes forgets about food.

Don't get me wrong, I love food as much as the next Liz Lemon wannabe, but sometimes I just forget, ok? Like once I was taking a shower (once again, hold applause). I normally have deep philosophical thoughts in the shower, but this time I was whistling the Great Escape song and thinking literally nothing. Which is supposedly impossible for women, so hand over that trophy!

I slipped and fell and hurt my knee and my life flashed before my eyes (it was mostly naps), but I pulled myself up and continued cleaning myself. Then I started giggling. And let me tell you, I do not normally giggle. I'm a snorting belly laugh kind of person. But I was giggling and whistling and shampooing when I realized I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten in a very long time.

I was already going to be late for class. I didn't have time to sit down and eat my leftover Mac and Cheese at the table.

So I grabbed the tupperware, a fork, and an orange and headed for campus. Before I got to class I had successfully eaten the Mac and Cheese, peeled and eaten the orange, and texted my mother without ever looking at my hands or missing a step.

And I made it to class on time.

Walking and eating is not as easy as it looks.

I've also learned to eat a Frosty while driving. But that's next level stuff.

Liz Lemon is my spirit animal.

5. Pick the major you actually want.

Then work hard enough to make it worth it.


6. Take occasional risks.

I'm not exactly a risk-taker, especially when it comes to my social life. You don't have to change who you are. But the best people I know I only really met because I put myself out there. 30 seconds of insane courage to type a text or introduce yourself to somebody could change your life.


And last, but certainly not least...

7. Eat a lot of tacos.

Trust me on this one.

You definitely won't regret it.

Honestly, everything is different for every person. All I can really say is be yourself and good luck!

Elevator Quests and Robot Friends

I'm frequently in my car doing this thing called driving. Because I work in a city that is different from the city I live in.

I know, madness, right?? Who would choose this life? A crazy person, you'd say! And you'd be right.

I'm here to tell you, however, that it's all worth it. The long drive is always worth it because at the end of it I get to present my parking pass to some really cool technology and a robot waves at me.

This is what the robot looks like. He only has one arm but he's pretty positive about life.

You can imagine my shock and horror when one day I whip out my trusty parking pass but the light turns red and the robot remains motionless. What could I have done to offend my friend? I felt sad, confused, and a little betrayed. But I was determined to get to the bottom of this tragedy!

So I go to the main office building. I know there's a parking pass office there somewhere and I will stop at nothing to fix mine. Replace it, even! I will get a new parking pass if it means Arm Robot goes back to being my friend.

I walk in the building and immediately realize I'm in over my head. This building is gigantic and confusing.

It's like this! Only I don't have a Joseph Gordon-Levitt by my side.

Luckily I notice a wise-looking information wizard sitting at a desk, silently watching me. I walk up to him and perform the traditional info request ritual, which begins with the magic words.

"Hello. I'm looking for the parking office. Can you tell me where it is?"

The spell works! He responds all-knowingly.

"Yeah it's down one floor. Just get on the elevator and the doors will open up right in front of the parking office window."

A-ha! The elevator! 'Tis a mythical beast I have conquered many times before. I confidently make my way to the elevator feeding ground.

I summon the vator by pushing the down button. The elevator arrives and its doors open, I get on. Down one floor. Easy enough.

But wait! What floor am I on? I don't know! I look at the elevator display: M. M?? What does that mean? Main? What is one below main? -1? There is not a -1 button.

Suddenly the doors close and the elevator starts moving...up. It's going up! I didn't push the destination button fast enough.

The elevator goes up 3 floors. A female traveler gets in and pushes the button for the top floor.

I realize I look pretty clueless being in an elevator without my own destination button pushed. This girl might think I'm just riding around all willy-nilly without a quest. Like a psycho! But it's already going up, I have to look like that's what I wanted.

I choose a dummy destination to fool the girl: 3 more floors up.

We go one floor up, a male traveler gets in. He sees that his destination has already been chosen.

Two floors up, my dummy destination. I get out. 

So does the guy!

I obviously can't get back on the elevator. I act like I'm supposed to be here, head for a hallway.

The guy rounds a corner. I'm out of sight, safe to return to the elevators unseen.

I push the down button again, doors open, I get on. Suddenly I can't remember what floor I wanted in the first place.

I panic! If I don't push the button fast enough, this madness will happen all over again! Heart racing, I push the button for the floor I started on.

I get out of the elevator and come face to face with the wizard who gave me directions.

Only now do I remember I'm supposed to be going down.

I evaluate. Enough time has probably passed for him to think I have already gotten my parking pass.

Stuck! I'm stuck! I can do nothing without looking like an idiot! I cannot disappoint the wizard, and I cannot return to Arm Robot without results. I have to improvise a plan.

I start heading for the exit, then I make a show of pretending like I forgot something. I turn back around and...no, avoid the elevator...take the stairs.

The stairs prove successful. I'm in the basement at last.

The basement is dark, quiet. An ominous glow comes from what were once light bulbs in what was once a ceiling. I recall tales of a mysterious and dangerous basement beast. Shuddering, I shove the thought out of my mind.

My original directions didn't account for stairs. I hear the wizard's voice echo in my mind, "The elevator doors will open up right in front of the parking office window." I figure if I can find the elevators, I'll find the parking office.

He was the Oz kind of wizard. Surprised, aren't you? You were totally picturing Gandalf, weren't you? Maybe Dumbledore? I thought so.

A faint *ding* finds its way into my ear from the hallway on my left. An elevator mating call! I practically gallop down the hall. They're there! (<-- take just a moment to examine that sentence.)

And the parking office! It's there as well! I breathe an end-of-quest sigh and approach the window.

But I breathed too soon. Sitting at the window is a young man, completely unaware of my existence. I completely forgot about the curse of invisibility in the basement. I know there are more magic words to break the curse, but I can't remember what they are.

I frantically search my brain for the lost spell of visibility. Meanwhile, parking office guy sits hunched forward, squinting at a glowing screen and sucking on a lollipop. He's obviously been sentenced to work here by the evil overlords of office management.

I try a spell.

"Excuse me. Hi."

It works! He can see me! I ask him for a parking pass and he prints one out lickity-split. I can tell he's done it before. Probably many times before. Perhaps thousands. Maybe millions. There's actually no way of knowing how old these basement-dwellers are. Maybe he's been here long enough to have made hand-written horse parking passes. I will never know. He hands over the coveted scrap.

With pass in hand, I ascend the stairs and break free from the darkness. I stride happily passed the wizard's desk, holding my pass triumphantly in the air. He smiles, and I can tell by the way it stretches his face that he doesn't smile often.

I think of Arm Robot and break into a run. I approach him slowly.

Carefully cradling the pass in the palm of my hands, I offer it up to techno scan as a sacrifice. The light turns green and I turn to face Arm Robot, a grin is beginning to slide across my face in anticipation.

My old friend welcomes me with open arm. All is well.







Have a great day, human. Thanks for reading my weird blog. Here's an adorable picture of me at 2 years old, for no reason at all. (Let's be honest, the real reason is that I want to rub my cuteness in your face.)

Living Alone

I've been house-sitting by myself for three days now.

I'm feeling...Alone.

Still three days left. I feel my mind slipping.

Oh well.

Disney Reimagined: You've Never Seen Them Like This Before!

Have you noticed how popular it is for artists to "Reimagine" Disney characters? Seriously though, it's all over the internet all the time. I've seen what they would look like in college, as a different race, as a different gender, as rock stars, with 'normal' waistlines, etc. etc.

Example: this is what a person thinks Pinocchio would look like in college. 

I'm super trendy, clearly, and I have decided to reimagine some characters on my own. And I'm an amazing artist, obviously.

SO. Without further ado, this is what some of your favorite Disney characters would look like as....

....STICK FIGURES!

CINDERELLA:

NEMO:

HERCULES:

BAMBI:

RAPUNZEL:

GENIE:

WINNIE THE POOH:

ARIEL:

SIMBA:

MICKEY MOUSE:

Wow! I bet you never thought you'd see them like that! So artsy! Much insight!

Happy Monday!

Confessions of an Imaginative Commuter

The title of this post is misleading, because now you're thinking that what follows is purely my imagination. But that is false. Everything I'm about to tell you actually happened. I merely observe and report.

In case you haven't heard, I recently got myself a grownup job. (I'm working in the Digital Media Department of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.) That's right, people! I drive to an office building every day where I sit at a desk, look at a computer, and click the mouse. Sometimes I even type things.

They gave me two computers and four monitors, to optimize my clicking efficiency.

Because my job is super grownup and important. Like me.

Now, a lesson in geography:

I live in Provo. I work in Salt Lake City. They are not the same place.

This is a map that I drew myself, for your convenience:

Therefore, I drive. To Salt Lake. From Provo.




Once, I saw an over-sized load containing huge metal cylinders. I'm not saying they were headed for outer space, but they definitely weren't your regular building ingredients. Actually, I am saying they were headed for outer space. I'm sure of it.

What will they be used for in outer space, you ask? There are two options. The first is water storage. Which...would be lame. Granted, even a water barrel in outer space would be pretty cool, but of all the things you might find there, a giant canteen would not be the most exciting.

The second option is robot parts. HUGE robot parts for building HUGE robots to fight the space-dinos. Which I do not support, by the way. Leave those poor innocent space-dinos alone, government!

This is a real space-dino, literally moon-walking at a dance party in space.

Another time, a cartoon plumber on the side of a truck came to life and gave me life advice. In song form.

Don't judge me for the quality of this picture because I took it while I was driving. Safety first!

Imagine the following words set to music like this, which I made in GarageBand and is not quality music:

"Hey girl. I know you're doubting yourself, but there's no need. You're the bomb. You rock at life. You can do hard things.

"I look into your future and I see greatness. Don't you?

"Now dance. Dance like the old woman in the car next to you isn't watching.

"Just dance. Dance like you're driving down the freeway. Safety first!"

Speaking of dancing, I can't stop listening to this song.

Last week I took this picture:

The driver I intended to capture cannot be seen because I'm a good driver.

Buuuut he looked a little something like this:

Only older. And more Asian. And his tie-dye shirt had a white collar.

Anyway, I think he was maybe an alien that was doing a horrible job of blending into humanity. I think he was even driving a SPACE POD.

I have a theory about this. He was a spy. I think he was a space-dino actively hunting down the giant robot parts. I hope he succeeds. I can't support an intergalactic war against the space-dinos. But. I will not get into politics on my blog.

Instead, here is a picture I laughed at:

Also, if I hear that freaking Cool Kids song on the radio again, I will throw a rock through the window...of a building scheduled for demolition. Sheesh, I'm not a monster.

So anyway, I'll keep keeping an eye out for interesting things on my commute. I'm also going to start taking the train, which should provide additional observations.

Happy Tuesday!

1 Thing a Person Can Do to TRULY Be More Attractive

Disclaimer: I am biased. I am a nobody.

As I sit here examining the dark, thick hair on my arms, wearing my push-up bra, and binging on Netflix, I'm reminded of the one thing a man (or woman) can do to TRULY be more attractive.

1. Don't make a list of attributes for a person that does not exist. Instead, try getting to know a person and then learn to love them.

If you get to know a person and it doesn't work out, then awesome. Move on.

But don't go around trying to fill the mold of ideals that you think will make you happy. Because we don't know as much as we think we do.

I'm not trying to make excuses for selfish (or abusive) people that won't change. I just think that everyone should start things with an open mind and few expectations. You might will be surprised.

I'm not wise, but if I've learned two things in my young life, it's that people are never what they seem, and I am often wrong.

I've learned (the hard way) that people change your mind.

I've learned that the people who admit their mistakes are often the best people I know.

I've learned that, even when we're not pretending to be perfect, we're pretending that we're fine with it. It's ok to feel broken.

I've learned that I'm still learning.

It's ok to look for a kind, charitable, interesting person. But this isn't a thing that people need to be made aware of. Everyone is already trying to find/be a good person. Kindness isn't something that belongs on a list with something like "remove your disgusting and totally natural/normal body hair even though it's not really something you can control."

I could make a specific list of things I find attractive. But you know what? That changes as I get to know people. It really, really does. My list from 5 years ago would definitely not be my list now.

And that's normal. Because guess what, even if you found a person that completely embodies every item on your list, they aren't going to be that way forever. People change. People improve. They improve in ways you didn't know were possible or desirable.

Halloweeny Times

I LOVE HALLOWEEN.

It's my favorite holiday. (I usually say that about the Fourth of July, too. Maybe they're tied?)

I want to share things with you. But I also hate when people clog up my newsfeed, so I've condensed it into this easy peasy blog post! Aren't I just the best?

First. This:

So many bad jokes. I love it.

Also! Can't forget this classic:

Aaaand this playlist, which I made myself:

Next! A list of a-mazing Halloween/October/Scary/Fun movies. I've watched most of them this month. They're the best!

Hocus Pocus

Casper

Edward Scissorhands

Nightmare Before Christmas

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Psycho

Corpse Bride

Labyrinth

The Ghost and Mr. Chicken

Hellboy

Ghostbusters

OH MY GOODNESS. Halloween is the greatest.

Next! This one, from The Killers:

And we can't possibly forget this one:

What's this? A new one? What's that you say? I'm in it? Wow, looks like I am!

The following thing is one of my favorite things ever. My mother takes a walk most days during her lunch break, and there's a house on her route that decorates for Halloween in a very special way.

Skeleton Guy is outside doing something different every day in October.

This day he lassoed some pumpkins.

THEN. He got a sweetheart.

They went on bike rides.

They went camping.

He sawed wood for her.

(The next day they were roasting marshmallows.)

Yesterday, he proposed!

And today (HALLOWEEN) they got married!!!

Feeling the Halloween spirit yet? I SURE AM.

Enjoy the holiday. Make the most of it!!

Party hard.

Wait. A bonus: